Funny Quotes

A good laugh fits any moment, and these quotes are perfect for lifting your mood. If you like starting your mornings with humor, check good morning funny or workplace humor in monday morning quotes funny and monday morning quotes funny for work. Softer mornings pair well with good morning blessings, warm cold morning quotes, and inspiring inspirational life good morning quotes. For sweet messages, try good morning texts to boyfriend wake up or good morning quotes for him romantic funny and flirty. Weekend readers can enjoy sunday good morning wishes, or explore new lines in unique good morning quotes. For midweek warmth, try thursday quotes.

“I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.” – Tommy Cooper
“I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.” – Unknown
“The best way to lie is to tell the truth… carefully edited truth.” – Unknown
“My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.” – Unknown
“I was going to take over the world this morning, but I overslept. Postponed. Again.” – Unknown
“If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, why did it fall off?” – Unknown
“I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.” – Unknown
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” – Robin Williams
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” – Charles Lamb
“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.” – Unknown
“Why do they put ‘delete’ on the keyboard if you can’t actually delete the computer?” – Unknown
“I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
“Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!” – Unknown
“I’m not lazy, I’m just on my energy-saving mode.” – Unknown
“I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.” – Unknown
“The future is shaped by your dreams, so stop wasting time and go to sleep!” – Unknown
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.” – Steven Wright
“I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.” – Unknown
“I used to be a people person, but people ruined that for me.” – Unknown
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.” – Earl Wilson
“I’m not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” – Chandler Bing (Friends)
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.” – Ann Landers
“Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.” – Unknown
“Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you fall asleep right now.” – Unknown
“I’m not arguing. I’m just explaining why I’m right.” – Unknown
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.” – Steven Wright
“There are three kinds of people in this world: those who can count and those who can’t.” – Unknown
“Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.” – Ellen DeGeneres
“I don’t need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.” – Unknown
“I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.” – Mitch Hedberg
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.” – Dalai Lama
“The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.” – Steven Wright
“I’m not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.” – Unknown
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.” – Charlie Chaplin
“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son of a b****.” – Jack Nicholson
“The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.” – Will Rogers
“A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.” – Unknown
“The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.” – Terry Pratchett
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.” – Winston Churchill
“The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.” – Bill Watterson
“I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.” – Douglas Adams
“I intend to live forever. Or die trying.” – Groucho Marx
“I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me Kit-Kat bars.” – Unknown
“I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.” – Tommy Cooper
“A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.” – Milton Berle
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.” – Les Dawson
“There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.” – Chris Rock
“Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.” – Benjamin Franklin
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.” – Zach Galifianakis
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.” – Mitch Hedberg
“I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.” – Steven Wright
“I don’t suffer from insanity—I enjoy every minute of it.” – Unknown
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.” – Earl Wilson
“My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.” – Stewart Francis
“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” – Al McGuire

Very Short Funny Quotes:

“I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, I eat it.”
“I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.”
“I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode.”
“Sarcasm: because beating people up is illegal.”
“I’m not weird, I’m limited edition.”
“Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.”
“I’m not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?”
“A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.”
“I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.”
“I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed.”
“I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.”
“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”
“I’m not a morning person, I’m a coffee person.”
“I’m on a 30-day diet. So far, I’ve lost 15 days.”
“If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, why did it fall off?”
“I’m not procrastinating, I’m on ‘save energy’ mode.”
“Don’t give up on your dreams, keep sleeping.”
“If I were a vegetable, I’d be a lazy potato.”
“Exercise? I thought you said extra fries!”
“Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.”
“I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.”
“Do I know sarcasm? Not in the slightest.”
“I’m not short, I’m fun-sized.”
“I’m not shy, I’m just holding back my awesomeness.”
“I’m on the gin and tonic diet, so far I’ve lost 2 days.”
“My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.”
“Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.”
“I dream of a world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned.”
“I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!”
“I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me Kit-Kats.”
“I’m not crazy, my reality is just different from yours.”
“The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.”
“I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.”
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.”
“My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.”
“I didn’t fall, I’m just spending some quality time with the floor.”
“I told the doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.”
“I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.”
“I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.”
“I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.”
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
“I can resist everything except temptation.”
“Don’t worry about the world ending today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia.”
“I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.”
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
“I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.”
“My wallet is like an onion. When I open it, it makes me cry.”
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.”
“There’s no ‘we’ in fries.”
“I don’t need anger management. You need to stop making me mad.”
“You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?”
“I’m not lazy. I’m just highly motivated to do nothing.”
“The road to success is always under construction.”
“Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.”

Very Short Funny Quotes About Life:

“Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.”
“I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.”
“Life is too short to be serious all the time.”
“Common sense is a flower that doesn’t grow in everyone’s garden.”
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
“Life is short. Buy the shoes.”
“Life is like a box of chocolates. Sometimes you just end up with nuts.”
“If life gives you lemons, add vodka.”
“Life is too short to blend in.”
“Life is short. Take the trip. Buy the shoes. Eat the cake.”
“I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.”
“Life is too short to fold fitted sheets.”
“Life is too short to remove USB safely.”
“Life is short. Make every hair flip count.”
“Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.”
“Life is short. Buy the damn dress.”
“I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.”
“Life is too short to skip dessert.”
“I’m not lazy. I’m on energy-saving mode.”
“Life is short. Lick the bowl.”
“Life is short. Hug your dog.”
“Life is short. Eat the cake.”
“Life is short. Drive fast and leave a sexy corpse.”
“Life is short. Eat the cookie.”
“I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!”
“Life is short. Dance like no one is watching.”
“I’m on a 30-day diet. So far, I’ve lost 15 days.”
“Life is short. Eat the bacon.”
“Life is short. Drink the coffee.”
“Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.”
“Life is too short to be taken seriously.”
“I don’t need a hairstylist. My pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.”
“Life is too short for fake butter.”
“Life is short. Live it up!”
“Life is short. Enjoy the ride.”
“Life is short. Spoil your pets.”
“Life is short. Buy the lipstick.”
“I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.”
“Life is short. Take the nap.”
“Life is short. Eat the ice cream.”
“Life is short. Wear the crown.”
“Life is short. Make it sweet.”
“Life is short. Take chances.”
“Life is too short to drink bad coffee.”
“Life is short. Be happy.”
“Life is short. Laugh often.”
“Life is short. Be weird.”
“Life is short. Have fun.”
“Life is too short to wait.”
“Life is short. Do what makes you happy.”
“Life is short. Play with your dog.”
“Life is short. Eat more sushi.”
“Life is too short for long-term grudges.”
“Life is short. Sing in the shower.”
“Life is short. Drink good wine.”
“Life is short. Be kind.”

Clever Funny Quotes:

“I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.” — Tommy Cooper
“I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure.”
“I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.” — Benjamin Franklin
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.” — Earl Wilson
“I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.”
“Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.”
“My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.”
“I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.”
“I am not lazy, I am on energy-saving mode.”
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”
“If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.”
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
“I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.”
“I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.”
“I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.”
“If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.”
“I’m on a 30-day diet. So far, I’ve lost 15 days.”
“I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book.” — Groucho Marx
“I’m not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” — Chandler Bing
“Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a beautiful day.”
“The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”
“Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.”
“To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.”
“I don’t suffer from insanity—I enjoy every minute of it.”
“The road to success is always under construction.”
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.” — Steven Wright
“You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?” — Steven Wright
“My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.”
“I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.” — Oscar Wilde
“Why is it that everything I love is either illegal, immoral, or fattening?” — Alexander Woollcott
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.” — Les Dawson
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
“I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.” — Steven Wright
“Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.”
“The problem with trouble is, it starts out as fun.”
“I’m an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.” — Zsa Zsa Gabor
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” — A.A. Milne
“Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” — Elbert Hubbard
“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” — Bob Hope
“A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.”
“Change is inevitable—except from a vending machine.”
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb
“Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.” — Mark Twain
“I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” — Jim Carrey
“The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde
“I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.”
“You’re never too old to learn something stupid.”
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.”
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
“I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.” — Tommy Cooper
“Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.”
“Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.”
“If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.”
“Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.” — Jules Renard

Funny Quotes About Work:

“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb
“I am allergic to morning meetings.” — Unknown
Looking busy ,Doing nothing.”
“Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” — Edgar Bergen
“My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.” — Unknown
“The best part about going to work is coming back home at the end of the day.” — Unknown
“I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.” — Unknown
“I’m not here to be liked. I’m here to make a paycheck.” — Unknown
“If I won the award for laziness, I would send someone to pick it up for me.” — Unknown
“If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” — John Gotti
“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.” — Unknown
“I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.” — Unknown
“I don’t have a 9 to 5. I have a ‘when I open my eyes’ to ‘when I close my eyes’.” — Unknown
“If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?” — Unknown
“Work: It’s not just a job, it’s a prison sentence.” — Unknown
“I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome
“My boss is like a baby, screams and wakes me up every half hour.” — Unknown
“I’m working hard to make sure my retirement is as stress-free as possible. Sorry, I meant ‘tomorrow’.” — Unknown
“My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Unknown
“Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.” — Unknown
“It’s not that I’m lazy, it’s that I just don’t care.” — Peter Gibbons, Office Space
“I’m out of bed and made it to the keyboard. What more do you want?” — Unknown
“Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
“Why do they call it work if it’s not fun?” — Unknown
“The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.” — Stanley J. Randall
“I can either be a morning person or a night person. I can’t be both.” — Unknown
“I need a six-month vacation, twice a year.” — Unknown
“You don’t have to be crazy to work here; we’ll train you.” — Unknown
“Coffee: because hating your job should be done with enthusiasm.” — Unknown
“I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.” — Unknown
“I hate when people ask me what I do. I’m like, I don’t know, I work all day.” — Unknown
“Work is just something I do between weekends.” — Unknown
“Why join the navy if you can be a pirate?” — Steve Jobs
“I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.” — Douglas Adams
“Work hard so you can shop harder.” — Unknown
“Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.” — Unknown
“I used to work at a calendar factory but I got fired because I took a couple of days off.” — Unknown
“I don’t mind coming to work, it’s the 8-hour wait to go home I can’t stand.” — Unknown
“I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.” — Unknown
“I’m not a procrastinator. I’m just extremely productive at unimportant things.” — Unknown
“If each day is a gift, I’d like to know where to return Mondays.” — Unknown
“I wish I could trade my heart for another liver. That way I could drink more and care less.” — Unknown
“Can I go home now? My head hurts and my feet stink.” — Unknown
“They say ‘Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.’ Well, I love sleeping, so I’m gonna need a bed and a blanket.” — Unknown
“Retirement is the only real excuse you’ll ever have to spend your entire life’s savings.” — Unknown
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.” — Unknown
“Some people dream of success while others wake up and work.” — Unknown
“The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” — Sarah Brown
“I’m not lazy. I’m on energy-saving mode.” — Unknown
“I think they picked me for this job for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I’m around!” — Unknown
“I work well with others when they leave me alone.” — Unknown
“I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” — Jackie Mason
“I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.” — Unknown
“I love my job only when I’m on vacation.” — Unknown
“My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. So I used my paycheck.” — Unknown
“If you think your job is pointless, remember, there is someone out there making a fortune as a motivational speaker.” — Unknown
“I wish my book of life was written in pencil. There are a few things I would like to erase.” — Unknown

Very Short Funny Quotes For Instagram:

“I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.”
“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”
“Friday is my second favorite F word.”
“I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode.”
“I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.”
“Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!”
“If I were a vegetable, I’d be a couch potato.”
“My bed is a magical place. I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.”
“I need a six-month vacation, twice a year.”
“Running late is my cardio.”
“Exercise? I thought you said extra fries!”
“I put the ‘Pro’ in procrastinate.”
“Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.”
“I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.”
“My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch… I call it lunch.”
“Chocolate doesn’t ask silly questions. Chocolate understands.”
“I don’t sweat—I sparkle.”
“I followed my heart, and it led me to the fridge.”
“I’m not a complete idiot; some parts are missing.”
“I need a six-month vacation, twice a year.”
“My room is not messy; it’s an obstacle course designed to keep me fit.”
“Sleep is my drug; my bed is my dealer.”
“I speak fluent sarcasm.”
“Coffee: because adulting is hard.”
“The bags under my eyes are designer.”
“Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.”
“I’m just a girl standing in front of a salad, asking it to be a donut.”
“Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.”
“I didn’t choose the thug life; the thug life chose me.”
“I need six months of vacation, twice a year.”
“Sarcasm: because beating up people is illegal.”
“I don’t need a hairstylist; my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.”
“I love my six-pack so much; I protect it with a layer of fat.”
“I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.”
“Reality called, so I hung up.”
“I’m on a 30-day diet. So far, I’ve lost 15 days.”
“My brain has too many tabs open.”
“I run on caffeine, sarcasm, and inappropriate thoughts.”
“Life is too short to be serious all the time. If you can’t laugh at yourself, call me, and I’ll laugh at you.”
“I’m not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?”
“I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we’re having cake.”
“I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.”
“I’m not lazy; I’m just very relaxed.”
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
“My favorite childhood memory is not having to spend 40 hours a week with people who make me feel angry and tired.”
“I’m just a cupcake looking for a stud muffin.”
“Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside, too.”
“If we shouldn’t eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge?”
“My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home.”
“If I won the award for laziness, I would send someone to pick it up for me.”
“I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed.”
“Zombies eat brains. You’re safe.”
“I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.”
“Dear Karma, I have a list of people you missed.”
“I would lose weight, but I hate losing.”
“Sorry for the mean, awful, accurate things I said.”
“My bed is a magical place. I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.”
“If stress burned calories, I’d be a supermodel.”
“I need six months of vacation, twice a year.”
“Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s caffeine.”
“Friday, my second favorite F word.”
“Adulting is soup, and I’m a fork.”
“Brains are awesome. I wish everybody had one.”
“Running late is my cardio.”
“Exercise? I thought you said extra fries!”
“I followed my heart, and it led me to the fridge.”
“Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.”
“I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.”
“Why fall in love when you can fall asleep?”
“If I were a fruit, I’d be a fineapple.”
“Dear autocorrect, that’s not what I was trying to say. I’m getting tired of your shirt.”
“Namast’ay in bed.”
“I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.”
“My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. I call it lunch.”
“I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode.”
“I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.”
“Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.”
“Be a cupcake in a world of muffins.”
“Mondays are for fresh starts.”
“Sass level: expert.”
“Don’t give up on your dreams. Keep sleeping.”
“I’m not weird, I’m limited edition.”
“Reality called, so I hung up.”
“Did it for the ‘gram.”
“You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not an avocado.”
“I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.”
“I speak fluent sarcasm.”
“Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside.”
“A yawn is a silent scream for coffee.”
“I’m not procrastinating, I’m just prioritizing.”
“I put the ‘Pro’ in procrastinate.”
“I woke up like this…flawless, but still sleepy.”
“Too glam to give a damn.”
“I don’t need a hairstylist. My pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.”
“You never know what you have until you clean your room.”
“Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.”
“Sweater weather is better together.”
“Wine + dinner = winner.”
“Dear weekend, we should hang out more.”
“Chocolate doesn’t ask silly questions, chocolate understands.”
“You had me at pizza.”
“When nothing goes right, go left.”
“Maybe swearing will help.”
“I put the ‘Me’ in ‘Merry Christmas.’”
“Sleep is my spirit animal.”
“Not all who wander are lost. Some are just looking for coffee.”
“Life happens, coffee helps.”
“I’m on a roll, but it’s mostly downhill.”
“There’s no ‘we’ in fries.”
“I donut care.”
“I’m on the road to recovery. Just kidding, I’m on the road to the fridge.”
“Sunshine mixed with a little hurricane.”

Very Short Funny Quotes For Students:

“I am not a procrastinator, I’m just extremely productive at unimportant things.”
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
“I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode.”
“School is fine, just the 7 hours a day part sucks.”
“My brain has too many tabs open.”
“Why study for finals when you can be sleeping?”
“I’m not failing, I’m just succeeding at finding what doesn’t work.”
“I didn’t choose the school life, the school life chose me.”
“Can I take a nap now? Or is that not included in the curriculum?”
“I’m a second-hand vegetarian. Cows eat grass, I eat cows.”
“Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.”
“I’m in shape. Round is a shape, isn’t it?”
“I need six months of vacation, twice a year.”
“Friday is my second favorite F word.”
“Dear Math, I’m not a therapist. Solve your own problems.”
“I am 100% done with this 99% finished assignment.”
“I put the ‘Pro’ in procrastinate.”
“Why do they call it a ‘building’ when it’s already built?”
“I don’t need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.”
“Homework: because 7 hours of school wasn’t enough.”
“I have a degree in sarcasm.”
“Sleep is a time machine to breakfast.”
“I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.”
“Don’t worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet.”
“Coffee: because adulting is hard.”
“I don’t always study, but when I do, I still don’t.”
“The best part of going to school is coming back home.”
“I would lose weight, but I hate losing.”
“Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word?”
“I wish my book of life was written in pencil. There are a few pages I would like to erase.”
“My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.”
“The future is shaped by your dreams, so stop wasting time and go to sleep!”
“Math: the only place where people buy 60 watermelons and no one wonders why.”
“I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.”
“My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. I call it lunch.”
“If school has taught us anything, it’s texting without looking.”
“I don’t need a sleep therapist, my homework does the job.”
“You can’t make everybody happy. You aren’t a jar of Nutella.”
“I did my homework, but my teacher said it wasn’t due until tomorrow. So I’ll just do it then.”
“The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.”
“Studying means 10% reading and 90% complaining to your friends that you have to study.”
“My life feels like a test I didn’t study for.”
“I hate when I’m singing a song and the artist gets the words wrong.”
“There’s a fine line between ‘greeting someone’ and ‘stalking’ them on social media.”
“If you’re hotter than me, then that means I’m cooler than you.”
“I’m not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?”
“If there’s a will, I want to be in it.”
“We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.”
“Life is too short to be serious all the time. So if you can’t laugh at yourself, call me… I’ll laugh at you.”
“If Plan A doesn’t work, the alphabet has 25 more letters.”
“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”
“I was going to take over the world this morning but I overslept. Postponed. Again.”
“I’m not shy, I’m just holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.”
“Behind every successful student is a deactivated Facebook account.”
“Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.”
“My teacher pointed at me with her ruler and said ‘At the end of this ruler, there’s an idiot!’ I got detention after asking ‘Which end?”

Extremely Funny Funny Quotes:

“I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.” — Tommy Cooper
“I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.” — Les Dawson
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.” — Mitch Hedberg
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.” — Charlie Chaplin
“My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.” — Stewart Francis
“The problem with quotes on the internet is that you can never be sure they’re authentic.” — Abraham Lincoln
“I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.” — Steven Wright
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” — Robin Williams
“I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.” — Steven Wright
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.” — Groucho Marx
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” — A. A. Milne
“I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.” — Unknown
“If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.” — Steven Wright
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” — Jim Carrey
“Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!” — Unknown
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.” — Steven Wright
“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.” — Emo Philips
“I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.” — Unknown
“Why is it called ‘after dark’ when it really is ‘after light’?” — George Carlin
“I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.” — Unknown
“I could agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.” — Unknown
“I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.” — Steven Wright
“To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.” — Wilson Mizner
“The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.” — Will Rogers
“I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.” — Douglas Adams
“Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.” — Jules Renard
“I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.” — Benjamin Franklin
“I’m not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” — Chandler Bing, Friends
“You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?” — Steven Wright
“I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.” — Jimmy Kimmel
“I am on a 24-hour champagne diet. If I wake up and there’s no champagne left, I drink my breakfast.” — Warren Beatty
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream.” — Bill Murray
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.” — Ann Landers
“I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode.” — Unknown
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.” — Steven Wright
“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.” — Unknown
“If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.” — Laurence J. Peter
“Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.” — Benjamin Franklin
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.” — Dalai Lama
“It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” — Woody Allen
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.” — Will Ferrell
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy chocolate, which is pretty much the same thing.” — Unknown
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.” — Alan Dundes
“I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.” — Oscar Wilde
“You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.” — Bob Hope
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” — Lily Tomlin
“Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.” — Unknown
“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” — Al McGuire
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.” — Joe Girard
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.” — Joyce Brothers
“When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.” — Sam Levenson

Laughing Funny Quotes About Friends:

“Friends are like bras: close to your heart and there for support.”
“A true friend is someone who thinks you’re a good egg even though you’re slightly cracked.”
“Friends don’t let friends do silly things alone.”
“We’ll be friends until we’re old and senile… then we can be new friends.”
“A good friend knows all your best stories. A best friend has lived them with you.”
“Friends come and go like waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay like an octopus on your face.”
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
“I’d walk through fire for my best friend. Well, not fire because that’s dangerous. But a super humid room… but not too humid because, you know… my hair.”
“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”
“Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.”
“Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.”
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
“If you have crazy friends, you have everything.”
“Friends knock on the door. Best friends walk into your house and start eating.”
“I love that I don’t have to act socially acceptable around you.”
“It’s the friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter.”
“Best friends know how crazy you are and still choose to be seen with you in public.”
“We will always be friends until we are old and senile… then we can be new friends.”
“Friends are like snowflakes. If you pee on them, they disappear.”
“I hope we’re friends until we die. Then, I hope we stay ghost friends so we can walk through walls and scare people.”
“A friend will help you move. A best friend will help you move a dead body.”
“Friends make you smile — best friends make you laugh until you pee your pants.”
“You don’t have to be crazy to hang out with me. I’ll train you.”
“Best friends don’t care if your house is clean. They care if you have wine.”
“We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.”
“True friendship is when you walk into their house and your WiFi connects automatically.”
“I’d take a bullet for you. Not in the head. But like in the leg or something.”
“A good friend will help you move. But best friend will help you move a dead body.”
“I’m so glad we are friends. Laughing at random things, partying, and the best moments are with you.”
“I laugh harder with you. I feel more myself with you. I trust you with me — the real me.”
“You’re the friend I’d feel the worst about killing in a post-apocalyptic death match for food.”
“Friendship is finding that special someone you can enjoy being a dumbass with.”
“We’ll be the old ladies causing trouble in the nursing home.”
“You and I are more than friends. We’re like a really small gang.”
“Friends come and go. Best friends will annoy you forever.”
“A friend will always agree with you. A best friend will argue.”
“If you hurt my best friend, I can make your death look like an accident.”
“Friends are like potatoes. If you eat them, they die.”
“Friends are therapists you can drink with.”
“Life was meant for good friends and great adventures.”
“A best friend is like a four-leaf clover: hard to find and lucky to have.”
“Best friends are those who share your weird sense of humor.”
“Best friends know how you like your coffee and your wine.”
“A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.”
“We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.”
“Friends don’t let friends do stupid things… alone.”
“True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people… together.”
“We’ve been friends for so long, I can’t remember which one of us is the bad influence.”
“Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.”
“Friends are like stars. You don’t always see them, but you know they’re always there.”
“Good friends discuss their sex lives. Best friends talk about poop.”
“Friendship is about finding people who are your kind of crazy.”
“A friend will share an umbrella with you. A best friend will steal yours and yell, ‘Run, loser!’”
“True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people together.”
“Best friends don’t care if your house is clean. They care if you have wine.”
“If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.”

Laugh Funny Quotes:

“Laughter is timeless, imagination has no age, and dreams are forever.” – Walt Disney
“Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.” – Mallory Hopkins
“I’m not clumsy, it’s just the floor hates me, the tables and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.” – Unknown
“I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.” – Unknown
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.” – Charlie Chaplin
“I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode.” – Unknown
“I’m not shy, I’m just holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.” – Unknown
“I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.” – Unknown
“Common sense is like deodorant, those who need it the most never use it.” – Unknown
“I’m not short, I’m fun-sized!” – Unknown
“I’m not bossy, I just know what you should be doing.” – Unknown
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.” – Unknown
“Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a brighter day.” – Unknown
“I’m not clumsy, I’m just testing gravity… it still works!” – Unknown
“I’m not weird, I’m limited edition.” – Unknown
“Age is just a number, maturity is a choice.” – Unknown
“I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.” – Unknown
“I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop making me angry.” – Unknown
“I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode.” – Unknown
“I’m not short, I’m concentrated awesome!” – Unknown
“Life is like a hot bath. It feels good while you’re in it, but the longer you stay, the more wrinkled you get.” – Unknown
“I don’t have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock-hard abs.” – Unknown
“I’m not fat, I’m just easier to see.” – Unknown
“I’m not clumsy, I’m just dancing with the floor.” – Unknown
“I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.” – Unknown
“I’m not old, I’m vintage.” – Unknown
“I’m not a control freak, but can I show you the right way to do that?” – Unknown
“I’m not lazy, I’m just conserving energy.” – Unknown
“I’m not short, I’m vertically challenged.” – Unknown
“I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right… again.” – Unknown
“I’m not late, everyone else is just early.” – Unknown
“I’m not crazy, my reality is just different than yours.” – Lewis Carroll
“I’m not fat, I’m just easy to see.” – Unknown
“I’m not lazy, I’m just highly motivated to do nothing.” – Unknown
“I’m not lazy, I’m just on my energy-saving mode.” – Unknown
“I’m not bossy, I just have better ideas.” – Unknown
“I’m not fat, I’m just easy to see.” – Unknown
“I’m not sleeping, I’m just meditating on the floor.” – Unknown
“I’m not clumsy, it’s just the floor hates me.” – Unknown
“I’m not weird, I’m just limited edition.” – Unknown
“I’m not lazy, I’m just on my energy-saving mode.” – Unknown
“I’m not lazy, I’m just highly motivated to do nothing.” – Unknown
“I’m not late, I’m just on my own time zone.” – Unknown
“I’m not shy, I’m just holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.” – Unknown
“I’m not clumsy, it’s just the floor hates me.” – Unknown
“I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right… again.” – Unknown
“I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.” – Unknown
“I’m not fat, I’m just easy to see.” – Unknown
“I’m not lazy, I’m just on my energy-saving mode.” – Unknown
“I’m not bossy, I just have better ideas.” – Unknown
“I’m not lazy, I’m just highly motivated to do nothing.” – Unknown
“I’m not lazy, I’m just on my energy-saving mode.” – Unknown
“I’m not clumsy, I’m just on my own gravity field.” – Unknown
“I’m not crazy, my reality is just different than yours.” – Lewis Carroll
“I’m not fat, I’m just easy to see.” – Unknown
“I’m not shy, I’m just studying my prey.” – Unknown