“Not all who wander are lost. Some are just looking for coffee.”
“Life happens, coffee helps.”
“I’m on a roll, but it’s mostly downhill.”
“There’s no ‘we’ in fries.”
“I donut care.”
“I’m on the road to recovery. Just kidding, I’m on the road to the fridge.”
“Sunshine mixed with a little hurricane.”
Very Short Funny Quotes For Students:
“I am not a procrastinator, I’m just extremely productive at unimportant things.”
“Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
“I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode.”
“School is fine, just the 7 hours a day part sucks.”
“My brain has too many tabs open.”
“Why study for finals when you can be sleeping?”
“I’m not failing, I’m just succeeding at finding what doesn’t work.”
“I didn’t choose the school life, the school life chose me.”
“Can I take a nap now? Or is that not included in the curriculum?”
“I’m a second-hand vegetarian. Cows eat grass, I eat cows.”
“Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.”
“I’m in shape. Round is a shape, isn’t it?”
“I need six months of vacation, twice a year.”
“Friday is my second favorite F word.”
“Dear Math, I’m not a therapist. Solve your own problems.”
“I am 100% done with this 99% finished assignment.”
“I put the ‘Pro’ in procrastinate.”
“Why do they call it a ‘building’ when it’s already built?”
“I don’t need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.”
“Homework: because 7 hours of school wasn’t enough.”
“I have a degree in sarcasm.”
“Sleep is a time machine to breakfast.”
“I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.”
“Don’t worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet.”
“Coffee: because adulting is hard.”
“I don’t always study, but when I do, I still don’t.”
“The best part of going to school is coming back home.”
“I would lose weight, but I hate losing.”
“Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word?”
“I wish my book of life was written in pencil. There are a few pages I would like to erase.”
“My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.”
“The future is shaped by your dreams, so stop wasting time and go to sleep!”
“Math: the only place where people buy 60 watermelons and no one wonders why.”
“I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.”
“My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. I call it lunch.”
“If school has taught us anything, it’s texting without looking.”
“I don’t need a sleep therapist, my homework does the job.”
“You can’t make everybody happy. You aren’t a jar of Nutella.”
“I did my homework, but my teacher said it wasn’t due until tomorrow. So I’ll just do it then.”
“The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.”
“Studying means 10% reading and 90% complaining to your friends that you have to study.”
“My life feels like a test I didn’t study for.”
“I hate when I’m singing a song and the artist gets the words wrong.”
“There’s a fine line between ‘greeting someone’ and ‘stalking’ them on social media.”
“If you’re hotter than me, then that means I’m cooler than you.”
“I’m not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?”
“If there’s a will, I want to be in it.”
“We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.”
“Life is too short to be serious all the time. So if you can’t laugh at yourself, call me… I’ll laugh at you.”
“If Plan A doesn’t work, the alphabet has 25 more letters.”
“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”
“I was going to take over the world this morning but I overslept. Postponed. Again.”
“I’m not shy, I’m just holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.”
“Behind every successful student is a deactivated Facebook account.”
“Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.”
“My teacher pointed at me with her ruler and said ‘At the end of this ruler, there’s an idiot!’ I got detention after asking ‘Which end?”
Extremely Funny Funny Quotes:
“I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.” — Tommy Cooper
“I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.” — Les Dawson
“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.” — Mitch Hedberg
“I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.” — Charlie Chaplin
“My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.” — Stewart Francis
“The problem with quotes on the internet is that you can never be sure they’re authentic.” — Abraham Lincoln
“I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.” — Steven Wright
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” — Robin Williams
“I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson
“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.” — Steven Wright
“I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.” — Groucho Marx
“People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” — A. A. Milne
“I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.” — Unknown
“If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.” — Steven Wright
“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” — Jim Carrey
“Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!” — Unknown
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.” — Steven Wright
“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.” — Emo Philips
“I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.” — Unknown
“Why is it called ‘after dark’ when it really is ‘after light’?” — George Carlin
“I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.” — Unknown
“I could agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.” — Unknown
“I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.” — Steven Wright
“To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.” — Wilson Mizner
“The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.” — Will Rogers
“I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.” — Douglas Adams
“Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.” — Jules Renard
“I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.” — Benjamin Franklin
“I’m not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” — Chandler Bing, Friends
“You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?” — Steven Wright
“I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.” — Jimmy Kimmel
“I am on a 24-hour champagne diet. If I wake up and there’s no champagne left, I drink my breakfast.” — Warren Beatty
“The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream.” — Bill Murray
“If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.” — Ann Landers
“I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode.” — Unknown
“A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.” — Steven Wright
“Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.” — Unknown
“If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.” — Laurence J. Peter
“Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.” — Benjamin Franklin
“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.” — Dalai Lama
“It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” — Woody Allen
“Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.” — Will Ferrell
“Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy chocolate, which is pretty much the same thing.” — Unknown
“Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.” — Alan Dundes
“I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.” — Oscar Wilde
“You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.” — Bob Hope
“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” — Lily Tomlin
“Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.” — Unknown
“The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” — Al McGuire
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.” — Joe Girard
“My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.” — Joyce Brothers
“When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” — Rodney Dangerfield
“Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.” — Sam Levenson
Laughing Funny Quotes About Friends:
“Friends are like bras: close to your heart and there for support.”
“A true friend is someone who thinks you’re a good egg even though you’re slightly cracked.”
“Friends don’t let friends do silly things alone.”
“We’ll be friends until we’re old and senile… then we can be new friends.”
“A good friend knows all your best stories. A best friend has lived them with you.”
“Friends come and go like waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay like an octopus on your face.”
“You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
“I’d walk through fire for my best friend. Well, not fire because that’s dangerous. But a super humid room… but not too humid because, you know… my hair.”
“Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”
“Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.”
“Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.”
“Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
“If you have crazy friends, you have everything.”
“Friends knock on the door. Best friends walk into your house and start eating.”
“I love that I don’t have to act socially acceptable around you.”
“It’s the friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter.”
“Best friends know how crazy you are and still choose to be seen with you in public.”
“We will always be friends until we are old and senile… then we can be new friends.”
“Friends are like snowflakes. If you pee on them, they disappear.”
“I hope we’re friends until we die. Then, I hope we stay ghost friends so we can walk through walls and scare people.”
“A friend will help you move. A best friend will help you move a dead body.”
“Friends make you smile — best friends make you laugh until you pee your pants.”
“You don’t have to be crazy to hang out with me. I’ll train you.”
“Best friends don’t care if your house is clean. They care if you have wine.”
“We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.”
“True friendship is when you walk into their house and your WiFi connects automatically.”
“I’d take a bullet for you. Not in the head. But like in the leg or something.”
“A good friend will help you move. But best friend will help you move a dead body.”
“I’m so glad we are friends. Laughing at random things, partying, and the best moments are with you.”
“I laugh harder with you. I feel more myself with you. I trust you with me — the real me.”
“You’re the friend I’d feel the worst about killing in a post-apocalyptic death match for food.”
“Friendship is finding that special someone you can enjoy being a dumbass with.”
“We’ll be the old ladies causing trouble in the nursing home.”
“You and I are more than friends. We’re like a really small gang.”
“Friends come and go. Best friends will annoy you forever.”
“A friend will always agree with you. A best friend will argue.”
“If you hurt my best friend, I can make your death look like an accident.”
“Friends are like potatoes. If you eat them, they die.”
“Friends are therapists you can drink with.”
“Life was meant for good friends and great adventures.”
“A best friend is like a four-leaf clover: hard to find and lucky to have.”
“Best friends are those who share your weird sense of humor.”
“Best friends know how you like your coffee and your wine.”
“A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.”
“We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.”
“Friends don’t let friends do stupid things… alone.”
“True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people… together.”
“We’ve been friends for so long, I can’t remember which one of us is the bad influence.”
“Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.”
“Friends are like stars. You don’t always see them, but you know they’re always there.”
“Good friends discuss their sex lives. Best friends talk about poop.”
“Friendship is about finding people who are your kind of crazy.”
“A friend will share an umbrella with you. A best friend will steal yours and yell, ‘Run, loser!’”
“True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people together.”
“Best friends don’t care if your house is clean. They care if you have wine.”
“If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.”
Laugh Funny Quotes:
“Laughter is timeless, imagination has no age, and dreams are forever.” – Walt Disney
“Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.” – Mallory Hopkins
“I’m not clumsy, it’s just the floor hates me, the tables and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.” – Unknown
“I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.” – Unknown
“A day without laughter is a day wasted.” – Charlie Chaplin
“I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode.” – Unknown
“I’m not shy, I’m just holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.” – Unknown
“I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.” – Unknown
“Common sense is like deodorant, those who need it the most never use it.” – Unknown
“I’m not short, I’m fun-sized!” – Unknown
“I’m not bossy, I just know what you should be doing.” – Unknown
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.” – Unknown
“Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a brighter day.” – Unknown
“I’m not clumsy, I’m just testing gravity… it still works!” – Unknown
“I’m not weird, I’m limited edition.” – Unknown
“Age is just a number, maturity is a choice.” – Unknown
“I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.” – Unknown
“I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop making me angry.” – Unknown
“I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode.” – Unknown
“I’m not short, I’m concentrated awesome!” – Unknown
“Life is like a hot bath. It feels good while you’re in it, but the longer you stay, the more wrinkled you get.” – Unknown
“I don’t have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock-hard abs.” – Unknown
“I’m not fat, I’m just easier to see.” – Unknown
“I’m not clumsy, I’m just dancing with the floor.” – Unknown
“I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.” – Unknown
“I’m not old, I’m vintage.” – Unknown
“I’m not a control freak, but can I show you the right way to do that?” – Unknown
“I’m not lazy, I’m just conserving energy.” – Unknown
“I’m not short, I’m vertically challenged.” – Unknown
“I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right… again.” – Unknown
“I’m not late, everyone else is just early.” – Unknown
“I’m not crazy, my reality is just different than yours.” – Lewis Carroll
“I’m not fat, I’m just easy to see.” – Unknown
“I’m not lazy, I’m just highly motivated to do nothing.” – Unknown
“I’m not lazy, I’m just on my energy-saving mode.” – Unknown
“I’m not bossy, I just have better ideas.” – Unknown
“I’m not fat, I’m just easy to see.” – Unknown
“I’m not sleeping, I’m just meditating on the floor.” – Unknown
“I’m not clumsy, it’s just the floor hates me.” – Unknown
“I’m not weird, I’m just limited edition.” – Unknown
“I’m not lazy, I’m just on my energy-saving mode.” – Unknown
“I’m not lazy, I’m just highly motivated to do nothing.” – Unknown
“I’m not late, I’m just on my own time zone.” – Unknown
“I’m not shy, I’m just holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.” – Unknown
“I’m not clumsy, it’s just the floor hates me.” – Unknown
“I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right… again.” – Unknown
“I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.” – Unknown
“I’m not fat, I’m just easy to see.” – Unknown
“I’m not lazy, I’m just on my energy-saving mode.” – Unknown
“I’m not bossy, I just have better ideas.” – Unknown
“I’m not lazy, I’m just highly motivated to do nothing.” – Unknown
“I’m not lazy, I’m just on my energy-saving mode.” – Unknown
“I’m not clumsy, I’m just on my own gravity field.” – Unknown
“I’m not crazy, my reality is just different than yours.” – Lewis Carroll
“I’m not fat, I’m just easy to see.” – Unknown
“I’m not shy, I’m just studying my prey.” – Unknown
