Funny Quotes

Funny Quotes:

• “I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.” – Tommy Cooper
• “I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.” – Unknown
• “The best way to lie is to tell the truth… carefully edited truth.” – Unknown
• “My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.” – Unknown
• “I was going to take over the world this morning, but I overslept. Postponed. Again.” – Unknown
• “If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, why did it fall off?” – Unknown
• “I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.” – Unknown
• “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” – Robin Williams
• “I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” – Charles Lamb
• “Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.” – Unknown
• “Why do they put ‘delete’ on the keyboard if you can’t actually delete the computer?” – Unknown
• “I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
• “Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!” – Unknown
• “I’m not lazy, I’m just on my energy-saving mode.” – Unknown
• “I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.” – Unknown
• “The future is shaped by your dreams, so stop wasting time and go to sleep!” – Unknown
• “A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.” – Steven Wright
• “I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.” – Unknown
• “I used to be a people person, but people ruined that for me.” – Unknown
• “If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.” – Earl Wilson
• “I’m not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” – Chandler Bing (Friends)
• “If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.” – Ann Landers
• “Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.” – Unknown
• “Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you fall asleep right now.” – Unknown
• “I’m not arguing. I’m just explaining why I’m right.” – Unknown
• “I intend to live forever. So far, so good.” – Steven Wright
• “There are three kinds of people in this world: those who can count and those who can’t.” – Unknown
• “Procrastinate now, don’t put it off.” – Ellen DeGeneres
• “I don’t need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.” – Unknown
• “I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.” – Mitch Hedberg
• “If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.” – Dalai Lama
• “The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.” – Steven Wright
• “I’m not saying I hate you, but I would unplug your life support to charge my phone.” – Unknown
• “A day without laughter is a day wasted.” – Charlie Chaplin
• “My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son of a b****.” – Jack Nicholson
• “The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.” – Will Rogers
• “A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.” – Unknown
• “The trouble with having an open mind, of course, is that people will insist on coming along and trying to put things in it.” – Terry Pratchett
• “A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.” – Winston Churchill
• “The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.” – Bill Watterson
• “I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.” – Douglas Adams
• “I intend to live forever. Or die trying.” – Groucho Marx
• “I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me Kit-Kat bars.” – Unknown
• “I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.” – Tommy Cooper
• “A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.” – Milton Berle
• “I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.” – Les Dawson
• “There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.” – Chris Rock
• “Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.” – Benjamin Franklin
• “I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.” – Zach Galifianakis
• “My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.” – Mitch Hedberg
• “I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.” – Steven Wright
• “I don’t suffer from insanity—I enjoy every minute of it.” – Unknown
• “If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.” – Earl Wilson
• “My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.” – Stewart Francis
• “The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” – Al McGuire

Very Short Funny Quotes:

• “I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, I eat it.”
• “I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.”
• “I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode.”
• “Sarcasm: because beating people up is illegal.”
• “I’m not weird, I’m limited edition.”
• “Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.”
• “I’m not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?”
• “A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.”
• “I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.”
• “I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed.”
• “I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.”
• “Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”
• “I’m not a morning person, I’m a coffee person.”
• “I’m on a 30-day diet. So far, I’ve lost 15 days.”
• “If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, why did it fall off?”
• “I’m not procrastinating, I’m on ‘save energy’ mode.”
• “Don’t give up on your dreams, keep sleeping.”
• “If I were a vegetable, I’d be a lazy potato.”
• “Exercise? I thought you said extra fries!”
• “Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.”
• “I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.”
• “Do I know sarcasm? Not in the slightest.”
• “I’m not short, I’m fun-sized.”
• “I’m not shy, I’m just holding back my awesomeness.”
• “I’m on the gin and tonic diet, so far I’ve lost 2 days.”
• “My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.”
• “Life is short, smile while you still have teeth.”
• “I dream of a world where chickens can cross the road without having their motives questioned.”
• “I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!”
• “I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me Kit-Kats.”
• “I’m not crazy, my reality is just different from yours.”
• “The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”
• “If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.”
• “I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.”
• “I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.”
• “My favorite machine at the gym is the vending machine.”
• “I didn’t fall, I’m just spending some quality time with the floor.”
• “I told the doctor I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.”
• “I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.”
• “I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.”
• “I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.”
• “A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
• “I can resist everything except temptation.”
• “Don’t worry about the world ending today. It’s already tomorrow in Australia.”
• “I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.”
• “If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
• “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
• “I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.”
• “My wallet is like an onion. When I open it, it makes me cry.”
• “A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.”
• “There’s no ‘we’ in fries.”
• “I don’t need anger management. You need to stop making me mad.”
• “You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?”
• “I’m not lazy. I’m just highly motivated to do nothing.”
• “The road to success is always under construction.”
• “Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.”

Very Short Funny Quotes About Life:

• “Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.”
• “I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.”
• “Life is too short to be serious all the time.”
• “Common sense is a flower that doesn’t grow in everyone’s garden.”
• “I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”
• “Life is short. Buy the shoes.”
• “Life is like a box of chocolates. Sometimes you just end up with nuts.”
• “If life gives you lemons, add vodka.”
• “Life is too short to blend in.”
• “Life is short. Take the trip. Buy the shoes. Eat the cake.”
• “I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.”
• “Life is too short to fold fitted sheets.”
• “Life is too short to remove USB safely.”
• “Life is short. Make every hair flip count.”
• “Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.”
• “Life is short. Buy the damn dress.”
• “I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.”
• “Life is too short to skip dessert.”
• “I’m not lazy. I’m on energy-saving mode.”
• “Life is short. Lick the bowl.”
• “Life is short. Hug your dog.”
• “Life is short. Eat the cake.”
• “Life is short. Drive fast and leave a sexy corpse.”
• “Life is short. Eat the cookie.”
• “I put my phone in airplane mode, but it’s not flying!”
• “Life is short. Dance like no one is watching.”
• “I’m on a 30-day diet. So far, I’ve lost 15 days.”
• “Life is short. Eat the bacon.”
• “Life is short. Drink the coffee.”
• “Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.”
• “Life is too short to be taken seriously.”
• “I don’t need a hairstylist. My pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.”
• “Life is too short for fake butter.”
• “Life is short. Live it up!”
• “Life is short. Enjoy the ride.”
• “Life is short. Spoil your pets.”
• “Life is short. Buy the lipstick.”
• “I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.”
• “Life is short. Take the nap.”
• “Life is short. Eat the ice cream.”
• “Life is short. Wear the crown.”
• “Life is short. Make it sweet.”
• “Life is short. Take chances.”
• “Life is too short to drink bad coffee.”
• “Life is short. Be happy.”
• “Life is short. Laugh often.”
• “Life is short. Be weird.”
• “Life is short. Have fun.”
• “Life is too short to wait.”
• “Life is short. Do what makes you happy.”
• “Life is short. Play with your dog.”
• “Life is short. Eat more sushi.”
• “Life is too short for long-term grudges.”
• “Life is short. Sing in the shower.”
• “Life is short. Drink good wine.”
• “Life is short. Be kind.”

Clever Funny Quotes:

• “I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.” — Tommy Cooper
• “I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not too sure.”
• “I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.” — Benjamin Franklin
• “If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.” — Earl Wilson
• “I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.”
• “Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.”
• “My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.”
• “I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.”
• “I am not lazy, I am on energy-saving mode.”
• “If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.”
• “Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”
• “If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.”
• “A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.”
• “I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.”
• “I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.”
• “I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.”
• “If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.”
• “I’m on a 30-day diet. So far, I’ve lost 15 days.”
• “I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book.” — Groucho Marx
• “I’m not great at advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” — Chandler Bing
• “Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a beautiful day.”
• “The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”
• “Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything.”
• “To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.”
• “I don’t suffer from insanity—I enjoy every minute of it.”
• “The road to success is always under construction.”
• “I intend to live forever. So far, so good.” — Steven Wright
• “You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?” — Steven Wright
• “My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.”
• “I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.” — Oscar Wilde
• “Why is it that everything I love is either illegal, immoral, or fattening?” — Alexander Woollcott
• “I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.” — Les Dawson
• “Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.”
• “I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.” — Steven Wright
• “Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.”
• “The problem with trouble is, it starts out as fun.”
• “I’m an excellent housekeeper. Every time I get a divorce, I keep the house.” — Zsa Zsa Gabor
• “People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” — A.A. Milne
• “Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive.” — Elbert Hubbard
• “A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” — Bob Hope
• “A balanced diet means a cupcake in each hand.”
• “Change is inevitable—except from a vending machine.”
• “I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb
• “Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.” — Mark Twain
• “I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome
• “Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” — Jim Carrey
• “The best way to appreciate your job is to imagine yourself without one.” — Oscar Wilde
• “I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.”
• “You’re never too old to learn something stupid.”
• “The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.”
• “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
• “I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.” — Tommy Cooper
• “Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.”
• “Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.”
• “If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.”
• “Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.” — Jules Renard

Funny Quotes About Work:

• “I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb
• “I am allergic to morning meetings.” — Unknown
• Looking busy ,Doing nothing.”
• “Hard work never killed anybody, but why take a chance?” — Edgar Bergen
• “My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.” — Unknown
• “The best part about going to work is coming back home at the end of the day.” — Unknown
• “I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.” — Unknown
• “I’m not here to be liked. I’m here to make a paycheck.” — Unknown
• “If I won the award for laziness, I would send someone to pick it up for me.” — Unknown
• “If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn’t have a job if he was any smarter.” — John Gotti
• “Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.” — Unknown
• “I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.” — Unknown
• “I don’t have a 9 to 5. I have a ‘when I open my eyes’ to ‘when I close my eyes’.” — Unknown
• “If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?” — Unknown
• “Work: It’s not just a job, it’s a prison sentence.” — Unknown
• “I like work; it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.” — Jerome K. Jerome
• “My boss is like a baby, screams and wakes me up every half hour.” — Unknown
• “I’m working hard to make sure my retirement is as stress-free as possible. Sorry, I meant ‘tomorrow’.” — Unknown
• “My keyboard must be broken, I keep hitting the escape key, but I’m still at work.” — Unknown
• “Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.” — Unknown
• “It’s not that I’m lazy, it’s that I just don’t care.” — Peter Gibbons, Office Space
• “I’m out of bed and made it to the keyboard. What more do you want?” — Unknown
• “Doing nothing is very hard to do… you never know when you’re finished.” — Leslie Nielsen
• “Why do they call it work if it’s not fun?” — Unknown
• “The closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job application form.” — Stanley J. Randall
• “I can either be a morning person or a night person. I can’t be both.” — Unknown
• “I need a six-month vacation, twice a year.” — Unknown
• “You don’t have to be crazy to work here; we’ll train you.” — Unknown
• “Coffee: because hating your job should be done with enthusiasm.” — Unknown
• “I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.” — Unknown
• “I hate when people ask me what I do. I’m like, I don’t know, I work all day.” — Unknown
• “Work is just something I do between weekends.” — Unknown
• “Why join the navy if you can be a pirate?” — Steve Jobs
• “I love deadlines. I like the whooshing sound they make as they fly by.” — Douglas Adams
• “Work hard so you can shop harder.” — Unknown
• “Work until your bank account looks like a phone number.” — Unknown
• “I used to work at a calendar factory but I got fired because I took a couple of days off.” — Unknown
• “I don’t mind coming to work, it’s the 8-hour wait to go home I can’t stand.” — Unknown
• “I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.” — Unknown
• “I’m not a procrastinator. I’m just extremely productive at unimportant things.” — Unknown
• “If each day is a gift, I’d like to know where to return Mondays.” — Unknown
• “I wish I could trade my heart for another liver. That way I could drink more and care less.” — Unknown
• “Can I go home now? My head hurts and my feet stink.” — Unknown
• “They say ‘Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.’ Well, I love sleeping, so I’m gonna need a bed and a blanket.” — Unknown
• “Retirement is the only real excuse you’ll ever have to spend your entire life’s savings.” — Unknown
• “A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.” — Unknown
• “Some people dream of success while others wake up and work.” — Unknown
• “The only thing that ever sat its way to success was a hen.” — Sarah Brown
• “I’m not lazy. I’m on energy-saving mode.” — Unknown
• “I think they picked me for this job for my motivational skills. Everyone always says they have to work twice as hard when I’m around!” — Unknown
• “I work well with others when they leave me alone.” — Unknown
• “I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.” — Jackie Mason
• “I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.” — Unknown
• “I love my job only when I’m on vacation.” — Unknown
• “My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. So I used my paycheck.” — Unknown
• “If you think your job is pointless, remember, there is someone out there making a fortune as a motivational speaker.” — Unknown
• “I wish my book of life was written in pencil. There are a few things I would like to erase.” — Unknown

Very Short Funny Quotes For Instagram:

• “I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.”
• “Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”
• “Friday is my second favorite F word.”
• “I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode.”
• “I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.”
• “Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!”
• “If I were a vegetable, I’d be a couch potato.”
• “My bed is a magical place. I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.”
• “I need a six-month vacation, twice a year.”
• “Running late is my cardio.”
• “Exercise? I thought you said extra fries!”
• “I put the ‘Pro’ in procrastinate.”
• “Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.”
• “I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.”
• “My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch… I call it lunch.”
• “Chocolate doesn’t ask silly questions. Chocolate understands.”
• “I don’t sweat—I sparkle.”
• “I followed my heart, and it led me to the fridge.”
• “I’m not a complete idiot; some parts are missing.”
• “I need a six-month vacation, twice a year.”
• “My room is not messy; it’s an obstacle course designed to keep me fit.”
• “Sleep is my drug; my bed is my dealer.”
• “I speak fluent sarcasm.”
• “Coffee: because adulting is hard.”
• “The bags under my eyes are designer.”
• “Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.”
• “I’m just a girl standing in front of a salad, asking it to be a donut.”
• “Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.”
• “I didn’t choose the thug life; the thug life chose me.”
• “I need six months of vacation, twice a year.”
• “Sarcasm: because beating up people is illegal.”
• “I don’t need a hairstylist; my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.”
• “I love my six-pack so much; I protect it with a layer of fat.”
• “I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.”
• “Reality called, so I hung up.”
• “I’m on a 30-day diet. So far, I’ve lost 15 days.”
• “My brain has too many tabs open.”
• “I run on caffeine, sarcasm, and inappropriate thoughts.”
• “Life is too short to be serious all the time. If you can’t laugh at yourself, call me, and I’ll laugh at you.”
• “I’m not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?”
• “I always carry a knife in my purse, just in case we’re having cake.”
• “I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.”
• “I’m not lazy; I’m just very relaxed.”
• “Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
• “My favorite childhood memory is not having to spend 40 hours a week with people who make me feel angry and tired.”
• “I’m just a cupcake looking for a stud muffin.”
• “Maybe you should eat some makeup so you can be pretty on the inside, too.”
• “If we shouldn’t eat at night, why is there a light in the fridge?”
• “My boss told me to have a good day, so I went home.”
• “If I won the award for laziness, I would send someone to pick it up for me.”
• “I’m so good at sleeping, I can do it with my eyes closed.”
• “Zombies eat brains. You’re safe.”
• “I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.”
• “Dear Karma, I have a list of people you missed.”
• “I would lose weight, but I hate losing.”
• “Sorry for the mean, awful, accurate things I said.”
• “My bed is a magical place. I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.”
• “If stress burned calories, I’d be a supermodel.”
• “I need six months of vacation, twice a year.”
• “Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s caffeine.”
• “Friday, my second favorite F word.”
• “Adulting is soup, and I’m a fork.”
• “Brains are awesome. I wish everybody had one.”
• “Running late is my cardio.”
• “Exercise? I thought you said extra fries!”
• “I followed my heart, and it led me to the fridge.”
• “Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.”
• “I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.”
• “Why fall in love when you can fall asleep?”
• “If I were a fruit, I’d be a fineapple.”
• “Dear autocorrect, that’s not what I was trying to say. I’m getting tired of your shirt.”
• “Namast’ay in bed.”
• “I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.”
• “My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. I call it lunch.”
• “I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode.”
• “I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.”
• “Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.”
• “Be a cupcake in a world of muffins.”
• “Mondays are for fresh starts.”
• “Sass level: expert.”
• “Don’t give up on your dreams. Keep sleeping.”
• “I’m not weird, I’m limited edition.”
• “Reality called, so I hung up.”
• “Did it for the ‘gram.”
• “You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not an avocado.”
• “I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.”
• “I speak fluent sarcasm.”
• “Be a pineapple: stand tall, wear a crown, and be sweet on the inside.”
• “A yawn is a silent scream for coffee.”
• “I’m not procrastinating, I’m just prioritizing.”
• “I put the ‘Pro’ in procrastinate.”
• “I woke up like this…flawless, but still sleepy.”
• “Too glam to give a damn.”
• “I don’t need a hairstylist. My pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.”
• “You never know what you have until you clean your room.”
• “Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.”
• “Sweater weather is better together.”
• “Wine + dinner = winner.”
• “Dear weekend, we should hang out more.”
• “Chocolate doesn’t ask silly questions, chocolate understands.”
• “You had me at pizza.”
• “When nothing goes right, go left.”
• “Maybe swearing will help.”
• “I put the ‘Me’ in ‘Merry Christmas.’”
• “Sleep is my spirit animal.”
• “Not all who wander are lost. Some are just looking for coffee.”
• “Life happens, coffee helps.”
• “I’m on a roll, but it’s mostly downhill.”
• “There’s no ‘we’ in fries.”
• “I donut care.”
• “I’m on the road to recovery. Just kidding, I’m on the road to the fridge.”
• “Sunshine mixed with a little hurricane.”

Very Short Funny Quotes For Students:

• “I am not a procrastinator, I’m just extremely productive at unimportant things.”
• “Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.”
• “I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode.”
• “School is fine, just the 7 hours a day part sucks.”
• “My brain has too many tabs open.”
• “Why study for finals when you can be sleeping?”
• “I’m not failing, I’m just succeeding at finding what doesn’t work.”
• “I didn’t choose the school life, the school life chose me.”
• “Can I take a nap now? Or is that not included in the curriculum?”
• “I’m a second-hand vegetarian. Cows eat grass, I eat cows.”
• “Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.”
• “I’m in shape. Round is a shape, isn’t it?”
• “I need six months of vacation, twice a year.”
• “Friday is my second favorite F word.”
• “Dear Math, I’m not a therapist. Solve your own problems.”
• “I am 100% done with this 99% finished assignment.”
• “I put the ‘Pro’ in procrastinate.”
• “Why do they call it a ‘building’ when it’s already built?”
• “I don’t need a hairstylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.”
• “Homework: because 7 hours of school wasn’t enough.”
• “I have a degree in sarcasm.”
• “Sleep is a time machine to breakfast.”
• “I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.”
• “Don’t worry if plan A fails, there are 25 more letters in the alphabet.”
• “Coffee: because adulting is hard.”
• “I don’t always study, but when I do, I still don’t.”
• “The best part of going to school is coming back home.”
• “I would lose weight, but I hate losing.”
• “Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word?”
• “I wish my book of life was written in pencil. There are a few pages I would like to erase.”
• “My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.”
• “The future is shaped by your dreams, so stop wasting time and go to sleep!”
• “Math: the only place where people buy 60 watermelons and no one wonders why.”
• “I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.”
• “My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. I call it lunch.”
• “If school has taught us anything, it’s texting without looking.”
• “I don’t need a sleep therapist, my homework does the job.”
• “You can’t make everybody happy. You aren’t a jar of Nutella.”
• “I did my homework, but my teacher said it wasn’t due until tomorrow. So I’ll just do it then.”
• “The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.”
• “Studying means 10% reading and 90% complaining to your friends that you have to study.”
• “My life feels like a test I didn’t study for.”
• “I hate when I’m singing a song and the artist gets the words wrong.”
• “There’s a fine line between ‘greeting someone’ and ‘stalking’ them on social media.”
• “If you’re hotter than me, then that means I’m cooler than you.”
• “I’m not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?”
• “If there’s a will, I want to be in it.”
• “We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.”
• “Life is too short to be serious all the time. So if you can’t laugh at yourself, call me… I’ll laugh at you.”
• “If Plan A doesn’t work, the alphabet has 25 more letters.”
• “Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.”
• “I was going to take over the world this morning but I overslept. Postponed. Again.”
• “I’m not shy, I’m just holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.”
• “Behind every successful student is a deactivated Facebook account.”
• “Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.”
• “My teacher pointed at me with her ruler and said ‘At the end of this ruler, there’s an idiot!’ I got detention after asking ‘Which end?”

Extremely Funny Funny Quotes:

• “I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.” — Tommy Cooper
• “I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.” — Rodney Dangerfield
• “I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.” — Les Dawson
• “My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.” — Mitch Hedberg
• “I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.” — Charles Lamb
• “I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.” — Rodney Dangerfield
• “A day without laughter is a day wasted.” — Charlie Chaplin
• “My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.” — Stewart Francis
• “The problem with quotes on the internet is that you can never be sure they’re authentic.” — Abraham Lincoln
• “I’m writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.” — Steven Wright
• “Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?” — Robin Williams
• “I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives.” — Ralph Waldo Emerson
• “I intend to live forever. So far, so good.” — Steven Wright
• “I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.” — Groucho Marx
• “People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day.” — A. A. Milne
• “I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.” — Unknown
• “If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.” — Steven Wright
• “Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.” — Jim Carrey
• “Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!” — Unknown
• “If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.” — Steven Wright
• “A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing.” — Emo Philips
• “I’m on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.” — Unknown
• “Why is it called ‘after dark’ when it really is ‘after light’?” — George Carlin
• “I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.” — Unknown
• “I could agree with you, but then we’d both be wrong.” — Unknown
• “I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.” — Steven Wright
• “To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.” — Wilson Mizner
• “The road to success is dotted with many tempting parking spaces.” — Will Rogers
• “I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.” — Douglas Adams
• “Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.” — Jules Renard
• “I didn’t fail the test. I just found 100 ways to do it wrong.” — Benjamin Franklin
• “I’m not great at the advice. Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?” — Chandler Bing, Friends
• “You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?” — Steven Wright
• “I never feel more alone than when I’m trying to put sunscreen on my back.” — Jimmy Kimmel
• “I am on a 24-hour champagne diet. If I wake up and there’s no champagne left, I drink my breakfast.” — Warren Beatty
• “The best way to teach your kids about taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream.” — Bill Murray
• “If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.” — Ann Landers
• “I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode.” — Unknown
• “A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.” — Steven Wright
• “Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.” — Unknown
• “If two wrongs don’t make a right, try three.” — Laurence J. Peter
• “Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy.” — Benjamin Franklin
• “If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.” — Dalai Lama
• “It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” — Woody Allen
• “Before you marry a person, you should first make them use a computer with slow Internet to see who they really are.” — Will Ferrell
• “Money can’t buy happiness, but it can buy chocolate, which is pretty much the same thing.” — Unknown
• “Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.” — Alan Dundes
• “I am so clever that sometimes I don’t understand a single word of what I am saying.” — Oscar Wilde
• “You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.” — Bob Hope
• “I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.” — Lily Tomlin
• “Don’t you hate it when someone answers their own questions? I do.” — Unknown
• “The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.” — Al McGuire
• “The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs, one step at a time.” — Joe Girard
• “My husband and I have never considered divorce… murder sometimes, but never divorce.” — Joyce Brothers
• “When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.” — Rodney Dangerfield
• “Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children.” — Sam Levenson

Laughing Funny Quotes About Friends:

• “Friends are like bras: close to your heart and there for support.”
• “A true friend is someone who thinks you’re a good egg even though you’re slightly cracked.”
• “Friends don’t let friends do silly things alone.”
• “We’ll be friends until we’re old and senile… then we can be new friends.”
• “A good friend knows all your best stories. A best friend has lived them with you.”
• “Friends come and go like waves of the ocean, but the true ones stay like an octopus on your face.”
• “You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.”
• “I’d walk through fire for my best friend. Well, not fire because that’s dangerous. But a super humid room… but not too humid because, you know… my hair.”
• “Real friends don’t get offended when you insult them. They smile and call you something even more offensive.”
• “Friends buy you food. Best friends eat your food.”
• “Good friends don’t let you do stupid things… alone.”
• “Friends are people who know you really well and like you anyway.”
• “If you have crazy friends, you have everything.”
• “Friends knock on the door. Best friends walk into your house and start eating.”
• “I love that I don’t have to act socially acceptable around you.”
• “It’s the friends you can call up at 4 a.m. that matter.”
• “Best friends know how crazy you are and still choose to be seen with you in public.”
• “We will always be friends until we are old and senile… then we can be new friends.”
• “Friends are like snowflakes. If you pee on them, they disappear.”
• “I hope we’re friends until we die. Then, I hope we stay ghost friends so we can walk through walls and scare people.”
• “A friend will help you move. A best friend will help you move a dead body.”
• “Friends make you smile — best friends make you laugh until you pee your pants.”
• “You don’t have to be crazy to hang out with me. I’ll train you.”
• “Best friends don’t care if your house is clean. They care if you have wine.”
• “We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.”
• “True friendship is when you walk into their house and your WiFi connects automatically.”
• “I’d take a bullet for you. Not in the head. But like in the leg or something.”
• “A good friend will help you move. But best friend will help you move a dead body.”
• “I’m so glad we are friends. Laughing at random things, partying, and the best moments are with you.”
• “I laugh harder with you. I feel more myself with you. I trust you with me — the real me.”
• “You’re the friend I’d feel the worst about killing in a post-apocalyptic death match for food.”
• “Friendship is finding that special someone you can enjoy being a dumbass with.”
• “We’ll be the old ladies causing trouble in the nursing home.”
• “You and I are more than friends. We’re like a really small gang.”
• “Friends come and go. Best friends will annoy you forever.”
• “A friend will always agree with you. A best friend will argue.”
• “If you hurt my best friend, I can make your death look like an accident.”
• “Friends are like potatoes. If you eat them, they die.”
• “Friends are therapists you can drink with.”
• “Life was meant for good friends and great adventures.”
• “A best friend is like a four-leaf clover: hard to find and lucky to have.”
• “Best friends are those who share your weird sense of humor.”
• “Best friends know how you like your coffee and your wine.”
• “A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.”
• “We are best friends. Always remember that if you fall, I will pick you up… after I finish laughing.”
• “Friends don’t let friends do stupid things… alone.”
• “True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people… together.”
• “We’ve been friends for so long, I can’t remember which one of us is the bad influence.”
• “Friendship must be built on a solid foundation of alcohol, sarcasm, inappropriateness, and shenanigans.”
• “Friends are like stars. You don’t always see them, but you know they’re always there.”
• “Good friends discuss their sex lives. Best friends talk about poop.”
• “Friendship is about finding people who are your kind of crazy.”
• “A friend will share an umbrella with you. A best friend will steal yours and yell, ‘Run, loser!’”
• “True friends don’t judge each other. They judge other people together.”
• “Best friends don’t care if your house is clean. They care if you have wine.”
• “If you have friends who are as weird as you, then you have everything.”

Laugh Funny Quotes:

• “Laughter is timeless, imagination has no age, and dreams are forever.” – Walt Disney
• “Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth.” – Mallory Hopkins
• “I’m not clumsy, it’s just the floor hates me, the tables and chairs are bullies, and the walls get in my way.” – Unknown
• “I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.” – Unknown
• “A day without laughter is a day wasted.” – Charlie Chaplin
• “I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode.” – Unknown
• “I’m not shy, I’m just holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.” – Unknown
• “I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right.” – Unknown
• “Common sense is like deodorant, those who need it the most never use it.” – Unknown
• “I’m not short, I’m fun-sized!” – Unknown
• “I’m not bossy, I just know what you should be doing.” – Unknown
• “If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.” – Unknown
• “Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a brighter day.” – Unknown
• “I’m not clumsy, I’m just testing gravity… it still works!” – Unknown
• “I’m not weird, I’m limited edition.” – Unknown
• “Age is just a number, maturity is a choice.” – Unknown
• “I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.” – Unknown
• “I don’t need anger management. I need people to stop making me angry.” – Unknown
• “I’m not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode.” – Unknown
• “I’m not short, I’m concentrated awesome!” – Unknown
• “Life is like a hot bath. It feels good while you’re in it, but the longer you stay, the more wrinkled you get.” – Unknown
• “I don’t have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock-hard abs.” – Unknown
• “I’m not fat, I’m just easier to see.” – Unknown
• “I’m not clumsy, I’m just dancing with the floor.” – Unknown
• “I don’t need a hair stylist, my pillow gives me a new hairstyle every morning.” – Unknown
• “I’m not old, I’m vintage.” – Unknown
• “I’m not a control freak, but can I show you the right way to do that?” – Unknown
• “I’m not lazy, I’m just conserving energy.” – Unknown
• “I’m not short, I’m vertically challenged.” – Unknown
• “I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right… again.” – Unknown
• “I’m not late, everyone else is just early.” – Unknown
• “I’m not crazy, my reality is just different than yours.” – Lewis Carroll
• “I’m not fat, I’m just easy to see.” – Unknown
• “I’m not lazy, I’m just highly motivated to do nothing.” – Unknown
• “I’m not lazy, I’m just on my energy-saving mode.” – Unknown
• “I’m not bossy, I just have better ideas.” – Unknown
• “I’m not fat, I’m just easy to see.” – Unknown
• “I’m not sleeping, I’m just meditating on the floor.” – Unknown
• “I’m not clumsy, it’s just the floor hates me.” – Unknown
• “I’m not weird, I’m just limited edition.” – Unknown
• “I’m not lazy, I’m just on my energy-saving mode.” – Unknown
• “I’m not lazy, I’m just highly motivated to do nothing.” – Unknown
• “I’m not late, I’m just on my own time zone.” – Unknown
• “I’m not shy, I’m just holding back my awesomeness so I don’t intimidate you.” – Unknown
• “I’m not clumsy, it’s just the floor hates me.” – Unknown
• “I’m not arguing, I’m just explaining why I’m right… again.” – Unknown
• “I’m not a complete idiot, some parts are missing.” – Unknown
• “I’m not fat, I’m just easy to see.” – Unknown
• “I’m not lazy, I’m just on my energy-saving mode.” – Unknown
• “I’m not bossy, I just have better ideas.” – Unknown
• “I’m not lazy, I’m just highly motivated to do nothing.” – Unknown
• “I’m not lazy, I’m just on my energy-saving mode.” – Unknown
• “I’m not clumsy, I’m just on my own gravity field.” – Unknown
• “I’m not crazy, my reality is just different than yours.” – Lewis Carroll
• “I’m not fat, I’m just easy to see.” – Unknown
• “I’m not shy, I’m just studying my prey.” – Unknown